Friday, May 11, 2001

Your study leave and the trip to Wales will be extremely difficult to cope with, but may aid curing the addiction. be like addictions it will be painful to get rid of it, like you trying to give up smoking !
Thegreat stride forward is that I think I am addicted to you. In order to get to the stage in our relationship as described last night, i.e. the supporting adult, I need to reduce the addiction. That is why I switched my phone off last night. I know that if I am in constant contact with you that my addiction will never be reduced. Switching it off last night was very difficult because I WANT CONSTANT contact with you and that is not healthy or right. I must admit to having jealous thoughts again last night, but I shall keep them to myself. The jealousy is another aspect of my addiction. I know that I am addicted and it is a response to the addiction one that trys to "throw you off" and remove the addiction is one fair swoop. It is a reaction, it is an attempt by me, unconciously, to be so nasty to you that you will leave me alone or give up on me and then my addiction will be cured.

I don't think hugging or kissing will help this either. it will just make the addiction worse, make it more difficult to be cured, make it more difficult to face up to those without you, make those jealous feelings more common and sustained. That would not be good because it would rebound on you and hurt you. It also means that it would be more difficult to get to that mature stage in our relationship (more difficult for me that is) which was described last night. You will leave and meet others and memory of me will fade, as will your perception of me. So I need to be that person who is a rock in your life and some one you can always come back to. But if we allow to go any further that may never happen.

Now before you become too depressed, I am trying to be strong here, I will be switching my phone off a lot more. I will in this process, in trying to fight this addiction have some very bad lows and become extremely jealous, and I know there will be no justification, so you must ignore me. I do love you and would love to allow this relationship to flourish but it could lead to disaster. Disaster in obvious ways but also in a lot of hurt for you, which I want to avoid.

All this rambling is out of love and care for you. I do want the same things as you but I am trying to fight it.
Yes I do want those things and my god it is so very tempting, but lets do the right thing. I LOVE YOU.

Thursday, May 10, 2001

This is the second time I have written this. It crashed the first time and whether I can regain the message the same is another matter. I have not switched my phone on tonight cos I cannot get free, except for these few moments. Plus I am too tired to stay up here too long what with my cold, a long day and loads of exercise. I did not want to build your hopes up by sending a few texts then going. I want you to know loads, like I did like the song and I would like to hear it again. I do worry about you loads, being on buses and going places and you are vulnerable.

I do love you and want you to know that forever. But I know that eventually you will leave and meet others and our relationship will change. I want to be that kind of person that you may not always confide in since you have others for that, but someone who will and want to listen and be a support to you. I will get a kick out of knowing that I am a person you can chat to and that I am in a very small way helping you live your life and supporting you.

I wish it could be different. I wish I was free to be with you all the time and get closer to you. But we have to realistic, it could never happen for all sorts of reasons. But you know as well our age difference and circumstances are too great to surmount. You would not want to be seen with me any way, especially as I get older !!!!! That breaks my heart but if I at least play a small part in your life I will have to be happy and content with that. You are a very special, attractive and wonderful person and anything I do (if you know you I mean will never change that view). I
I know I keep making mistakes, and I don't know how you forgive me. But thank you. I love you

Tuesday, May 08, 2001

My heart wants you to live a long and happy life, that is my prime concern above ALL other things
If you are reading this my dear I hope you know I love you dearly
I am in love with a teenage girl, she is 17 and I find her irrestible
This is not meant to be anything illegal - OK !!